some stuff i want

There is a kind of person I feel I should be and another I want to be. I have spent my adulthood pursuing “should” and I have been well rewarded. I know this should person very well now. From where I started, want and should were in nearly the same direction, but the closer I get to should the more it diverges from want. I think by default pursuing want is supposed to be easy, but after a decade of coercing myself to do what I should, it’s hard for me to even look directly at what I want. I get them confused all the time.

Lately, I’ve been looking harder. Sometimes it feels like shit to admit what I want or don’t want. It could be something vain like being popular or something pathetic and low status like turning off my brain and slipping into the warm, dull, safe mindlessness of digital content consumption.

I don’t want to work on weekends. I don’t want to pull another task off the queue, and then another, and then another. I don’t want to have to make tradeoffs against spending time with the people I love. I know I don’t want these because when I imagine doing them, a part of me cringes away.

There’s some other stuff I want. I want puzzles, purples, puns, and pushups. I want adventures and redemptions. I want to do things for reasons and admit when I don’t, and I want to feel bad the correct amount when I fuck up. I want to revel in the majesty of everything around us. I want to feel awe and curiosity, and some day I want to show all of it to a child of mine. I want to tell myself “good job” at the end of a rough day and really mean it. I want to make cool shit and appreciate what others have made, and I want to work on huge projects with astounding results that nobody could have accomplished alone - to be a part of a team. I want to be a fount of slack and grace for my community, to be relied on and to rely on others in turn. I want to co-create a surplus of beauty and love, of progress and stability, of warmth and welcoming. I want the courage to be terrified and press on anyways, to feel shame and embarrassment and remain honest anyways. I want the compassion to have been hurt and extend care anyways, to fail and forgive myself anyways. I want every tomorrow to be brighter than the day before, not just for me but for everyone. I want us to overcome the problems that plague us. I want us to explore the universe and ourselves. I want us to eclipse our forebears, and revere them all the same. I want us to recognize the impossibility of it all, to take a good hard look at the trade-offs, and then give it all we’ve got. I know that I want these things because after very careful consideration I concluded that they are better than the alternatives.

But sometimes I’m not courageous or compassionate, and sometimes those earlier wants seem to get the better of me. What if the system 1 part of my brain is too small to hold all these high-minded wants? What if I’m doomed to be locked in a battle against animal urges for the rest of my life?

So be it. Fuck it. Some of the things I want kinda suck and some are awesome. Lately, clenching up and resisting the sucky ones doesn’t seem to be working so well. Fighting back against my nature can be a great temporary solution, but ultimately blinds me to truths about myself. I don’t know where we’re headed, but being honest with myself seems like a great place to start.